Some random things I would like to get off my chest...
Almost a year and a half after having my son I am still enjoying the lovely changes pregnancy left behind. I know a lot of moms nowadays are extremely open with talking about the unpleasantness of becoming/being a mother, but I feel like it's my turn to express my feelings about the "beauty" that is pregnancy, post pregnancy, and motherhood. I have decided that this will be my way of dealing with all the unexpected things I've encountered over these last 2 years.
But first, the 3 things I have already come to accept...
1) Getting fat: In all honesty, I was okay with getting fat. Through the majority my pregnancy I felt mostly swollen and bloated. I looked forward to that feeling going away the minute Knox was born...no, really...I thought I was going to walk out of that hospital 50 pounds lighter...stupid, I know. Now that I'm more confident in myself that I can lose the baby weight (all 80 pounds of it) I feel less nervous about getting pregnant again. I know that sounds vain, but I don't really care. It's hard watching your body change so quickly and feeling like you might be losing your old self forever.
2)The stretch marks: Just so we are clear here, I coco buttered my shit up every night in the hopes it would prevent stretch marks. But towards the middle of my pregnancy I started to have weird reactions to certain products I had been using all my life. I normally have very sensitive skin, but being pregnant made my skins sensitivity go into overdrive. Every lotion I used would give me the most uncomfortable and painful rashes I have EVER experienced. I pretty much gave up and stopped using anything. So, the last month of my pregnancy, I found my first stretch mark...and then another...and another. But by then I was more upset that I couldn't see my vagina anymore, so I gave up all together and just said "fuck it!"
3)What the fuck is a hemorrhoid?!: Oh yeah, I'm totally going to talk about having hemorrhoids, which you apparently get when you're pregnant. I guess all the other embarrassing bodily functions you have acquired (and have no control over) through your pregnancy wasn't enough, now my asshole is going to bleed...fantastic. And when you tell your doctor about this glorious new discovery, what do they do? They make you strip down and shine a light on your asshole! Well, fantastic...because I was just thinking the other day how my asshole must be feeling a little neglected, since my vagina has been getting all the attention lately.
Just when you think its all over and the baby is out of you and you can finally get back to normal, BOOM!...here's where the fun stuff comes in. They say that it takes a couple months for your hormones to get back to normal, and I guess that's true, but what they don't tell you is that some of those changes are with you FOREVER!
Here are 7 of them that I am still coming to terms with...
1) Whole milk makes me shit my pants: Yeah, I don't care...ill say it again! I now get the "Miller Spillers" when I drink anything with whole milk in it. That includes coffee and ice cream. I have to drink soy milk and jump on the trendy FroYo train. I realize I might be the only women on the face of the earth to have this change after pregnancy, but if I'm not, then maybe I'll start some kind of support group or something.
2) I can burp like a champ: This is a funny one because my sister Lauren has always been able to burp like a man. Seriously, if there was a burping competition she would win first place. Well, I don't know what organs Knox rearranged while he was staying in my uterus apartment, but I can now give my sister a run for her money.
3) The hair on my eyebrows started to fall out: Again, I might be the only pregnant lady who has experienced this but, 4 months after Knox was born I noticed that my eyebrows were looking patchy. I didn't get my usual eyebrow waxing while I was pregnant (because my super sensitive skin would not allow it), I just kind of kept them cleaned up and neat looking, hoping that once Knox was born I could go back to my usual beauty regiment...but no such thing would happen. Now I have to color in the patches...its a little depressing.
4) Psoriasis: Yeah, it grosses me out too. I use to hate to admit it, but it's the truth. 6 months after I had Knox, my scalp started to dramatically change. I went from having that pretty pregnant people hair, to an embarrassing flaky mess. I thought it would go away once my hormones had a change to stabilize...but it didn't. I broke down and went to see a dermatologist...now everything is all better. I apparently have to learn how to control my stress level...pfft, okay...I'll get right on that, doctor lady person.
5) I'm STILL super sensitive: I have never had a problem with pimples or acne while growing up. I didn't even have to start wearing make up until I was in my mid 20's, but after having Knox my skin retaliated. I don't necessarily have zits or pimples, I just have red spots. I have had to switch all of my face care products/routine (things I have been doing/using for 13 years) but through trial and error I have found a new regiment that kind of works for me. Of course if I get stressed, those little red spots show up on my face, arms, and legs.
6) Holy crap! Am I going bald?!: Again, 6 months after having Knox, my hair started to fall out in clumps...it was an extremely scary thing to experience, but I have sooooooo much hair that I knew there was no chance I would go bald. Regardless, it still frightened me.
7) I'll take that magic pill now, please!: Once Knox was born, I worried about everything. I didn't think anything of it because I knew that I was a new mom and I just needed some time to figure out what my new "mommy routine" was. Once I found my niche, I would be okay. A couple months in I started becoming panicky about certain things, silly things. I was actually use to having a few panic attacks here and there. After my 2 car accidents, I would experiencing a PA every time I would get into a car. The difference was that I could control those panic attacks. When I felt one coming on, I could always calm myself down and do what I needed to do. But in the last couple months, these PA's started to progress and get much worse...to the point where I couldn't control them anymore. I found myself avoiding certain things out of fear that it would trigger a PA. That's when I knew something had to change.
I am always honest with myself when it comes to things like this...I ask myself this question, "Is this starting to paralyze my life?" If my answer is yes, then its time to seek help.
I am now taking Zoloft and Klonopin (I only take the klonopin when I feel a panic attack is about to get out of control). The meds have been working out nicely. The only way to describe it is that the meds take the edge off of the panic, so that I can calm myself down and deal with the situation like I normally would. Obviously these meds are a temporary solution, but I am not ashamed to say that I needed some thing to help me. Being a mom is hard and the realization of the responsibility you have to this new life is overwhelming sometimes, so its okay to admit that sometimes it can all be a little too much for one person to handle.
Number 7 was a big one for me. I don't know if you have noticed by now but, I'm not the kind of person who is like "Just think positive and positive things will happen!" or "I choose to focus on the positive things in life!" and my favorite "I CHOOSE to be happy." Well, good for you! I'm glad that some people can wave a magic wand and be instantly content. And in some ways all that positive bullshit fluff talk sounds nice, but I'm a realist. I think some of those "positive attitude" people are liars. I feel like they lie to themselves and don't ever really deal with whatever it is they're feeling. They just ignore the bad stuff by covering it up with all that positive talk. Okay, if I'm still not making any sense let me explain it this way...
Its like if you went into the bathroom after someone just had a bad case of explosive diarrhea, and they sprayed air freshener to try and cover up the poop-stank...but all you smell now is french vanilla and ass. Beautiful analogy, I know.
Now don't get me wrong! Of course I am grateful that I have a happy, healthy, and beautiful baby boy...for that I feel truly blessed...but I don't feel bad that I get a little irritated that I'm still having to deal with my post-pregnancy self...I definitely won't apologize for that. I feel that there is NO shame in admitting you are sad, depressed, angry, and not always able to see the glass as half full.
A long time ago, I made a promise to myself. That I would not lie to myself about what it was I was feeling inside. Even if that admission makes me feel like I'm not strong enough, or I failed in some way, I refuse to deny myself the right to go through the motions. I will allow myself to feel really bad, sad, angry, or disappointed...but I promise that after I have allowed myself to feel that way, I will take immediate action to fix whatever part of me needs fixing. I will not just cover up the bad feeling with some "positive outlook" pep talk, but I will actually fix the part of me that is broken. I will not be hard on myself, because I am not perfect, and chasing after perfection is a toxic quest that will always lead me to failure.
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